Big Apple Takedown

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Big Apple Takedown

December 2001: Vince McMahon steps out of a snowy night into a diner in upstate New York for a meeting with old friend Phil Thomson, now a highly placed government official. Thomson has a strange proposition: creating a new covert black-ops group using the Superstars of World Wrestling Entertainment. The WWE's talented men and women are perfect. Highly skilled athletes with the ideal cover, they travel all across the country and the globe; no one would find it unusual to find them in a town one day and gone the next. The government would train and support the wrestlers in every way possible except one: no one must know the truth.

It's like that old Superstars of Wrestling cartoon with Hulk Hogan, Rowdy Roddy Piper, et al.

No, I didn't waste $8 on it.

But upon reading this (probably tongue-in-cheek) review, I might go back and get it:

In my life as an English Professor, I have had the joy of reading any of a lare selection of classic books, brilliant treatises on the human condition, and some of the most brilliantly revolutionary prose that hallmarked the great movements in human history. I feel, though, that my faith in literature has been increased to a level I truly did not feel possible after reading this book.

It is truly rare when a book changes your life in a fundamental way. For some, the Bible was their path to a new and better life. Others feel that Paine's Common Sense is a truly great piece of political propaganda that tries to raise humanity to a higher level. Others, on the other hand, are partial to Karl Marx's Communist Manifesto.

I say "A pox on ALL of these houses".

Like a very special episode of "Walker, Texas Ranger", WWE's "Big Apple Takedown" manages to simultaneously make one weep at the emotionally taut imagery, laugh at the rapier-sharp wit, and contemplate the deep, inner discussions of the soul that are the hallmark of sweaty guys with questionable drug habits.

And, honestly, the book is a little infuriating. Why IS the government wasting its money paying for a military with many nuclear missiles when ALL that is needed to save the world from evil and chaos are the occasional errant chair shot, a knee to the groinal region, followed by an overly elaborate finishing sequence?

The decision to use WWE superstars --- "wrestlers" does not remotely do legends like HHH justice, let's be frank --- to sniff out a drug cartel is the kind of inspired genius that makes lesser authors like Poe weep in their beer. You didn't see George Orwell use imagery as subtle as a glistening body of pure, pent-up, moderately eroticized squashing drug kingpins in 1984, did you?

I tell you, next to this book, Madame Bovary has as much plot as a 3rd grader's book of Mad Libs.

I, personally, enjoyed the discrete reference to another classic of American literature --- "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind", with a plot that, bluntly, ripped off this book's plot in the most diabolical and sinical of manners.

Kudos to you, WWE. You have clearly demonstrated that the dramatic masterpiece that is the average episode of RAW is not an accident. This is the book that makes one appreciate the subtlety of a good fart joke or an unexpected "puppies" reference. I can only hope they keep Mr. Josephs on the payroll to produce storyline that can even approach this level of inspiration.