Random Writings

[Alice]

I've been writing a lot of free form in these nights that I can't sleep.  I'm just going to post them because I can.  Don't feel like you have to say "Wow, that's cool" or anything.  I just feel like sharing, probably because the urge to share my writing doesn't come much - I get really shy about it.  One of these I wrote a month or so ago, but I futzed with it a bit.

Meditation

hail to the demi-god. hail to the being that placed this kindling in my mind. action to reaction to distraction... repeat until fire is finally lit. seeking air to keep the fire alive. real air, not recycled thoughts that float around like a winter draft. the scent of death rolls off their tongues... i am seeking the odor of life, pure oxygen.

my mind has gone further tonight than it has ever gone before. tonight i was a traveler into my own psyche. i found a place that is still chaste & pure. i have seen deeper than i knew i could, perhaps more than i wanted to.

i am the echo of an archetype. i am the shadow of a paradigm. i cannot be who i want to be now... but i am who i wanted to be years ago. evolve, devolve, evolve again until my rough draft is no longer rough.

trust in the flames & wait for the air to fuel it... the air will come. i can feel it... i can almost smell it. until then, stay rooted & breathe.

[Alice]

Post Apocolyptic

Not like it's difficult to get to... not hidden in some labyrinth guarded by a minotaur. the only distance needed to travel is the distance between here and then. It doesn't take a map or bread crumbs - just a simple nudge in the right direction. A blind leap of harried fate. Take it & go or just leave it behind.

A whisper of want with a hint of distaste. Like the sweet taste of blood mixed with the stinging taste of iron. Reminders or just ill-gotten remainders? There is an answer behind those eyes - an answer stuck behind that half-cocked smile... yet mashed with a self inflicted air of mystery.

Not like it's difficult to get to... not hidden in a beach somewhere off the shores of San Juan. So throw off the oars & let the sea pull where it wants to. You don't need a compass or a Boy Scout guide. Close your eyes & go with the flow.

Breathe in, breathe out... breathe in, breathe out. Just breathe - that's all it takes. No more, no less. That is life in it's lowest scientific denominator. Follow the breath wherever it leads - trust in all it's enitrety & you have found your way there.

Not like it's difficult to get to...

[Alice]

Hibernation

Words are failing me right now. Thoughts are fleeing my head as if they're afraid of getting lost in the smoke too. But I'm sitting here meditating on these glorified ones and zeros - trying to figure out what this one last lingering thought is. Do you ever get this way? Do you ever feel like there is only one synapse firing right now... it's blinking its Morse Code from one cell to another... but you just can't decypher it. So you get lost in this fog you've inhaled into your brain looking for another message being sent. Looking for the messages you hid in there like an acorn for the cold season. And here it is - the cold season has come, your brain is having a blizzard of empty thoughts, but you can't find those damned acorns you've stashed away. You're just left searching for this one damned synapse to fire again so you can track it down and figure out what it is. But I've lost track of my steps, I've lost track of where I've been and where I thought I should go. I thought writing would help me find a path to whatever it is that is blinking in my head, so desperate for me to pay attention. But the writing is doing nothing more than adding empty acorns hidden in my head - frustrating as hell to dig out & no nutritional value when I'm done.

[Alice]

Biology of Sorrow

If life is merely an organic matrix,
A chemical flow that consumes and creates,
Small threads storing a flash,
Woven into a memory.

Since love is merely a firing synapse,
A thread touching another,
Then the ache I feel in my heart,
The sigh which no lung could hold,
The tear in my eye and the tremble upon my lip,
Should be seen as merely a weave unwound.

But since feeling is first,
Chemistry's only input is the dilemma,
The dichotomy: chill in my heart--
Warmth in my veins.

If love ever falls to the guise of science,
My laughter will ring across the world,
For at last I can say that my body is mine,
And your name will no longer pause my life.

Damn this tangled weave.

[Alice]

Disney Seranade

just a string of bad luck? or is it clumsiness that leads me to these paths. clumsiness or carelessness. my body working hard on healing broken bones while my head is working hard on preventing broken hearts. hand in hand in hand boys and girls walked past me. hand in hand in hand they smiled as their love baked in the fucking summer sun. hand in hand in hand in fucking hand, parading their puppy love around. who will win best in show? flashes of my future heartbreak, waves of my current longing and sounds of my friends complaining swarm my body and leave me wondering why it is i even bothered to come. just hours ago i had my book and my bedroom... all to myself. getting lost in both was the best day i could ask for. hand in hand in hand with words and white linen. that i would kill for. that is where i want to be... but i was forced to listen to songs from the happiest place on earth. explaining the irony of that motto is wasted typing. i had a good time, i did... but the mental fucking my friends and that apartment gave me is the only thing that lingers. that and a bit of a sunburn on my irish as hell skin. was it worth it? who knows. but i'm home and sleeping in my own bed and surrounded by my books and my canvases and i feel myself again.

[Alice]

Okay, I'm done now.  And I'm still not fucking tired.  *sigh*

Someone come drug me.  Please.

[eo000]

Wow, that's cool.

or anything.

[Alice]

Wow, that's cool.

or anything.

I adore you.