Kids Room

[Listener]

So here's the situation:

When we moved into this house, we painted all three bedrooms.  The master is a nice warm orangey-brown, the guest room is lilac/lavender, and the office/library is vibrant blue.  (We also painted the downstairs "kenyan gold", but that's not really relevant.)

The kid is due in August.  Before then, we have to decide which room it's going to get.  This is one of the reasons I want to find out what it is (once the wife is far enough along).  She is very attached to her blue office, and doesn't want to move everything into the lilac guestroom.  After all the work we did painting, I refuse to repaint the lilac guestroom.  If we have a girl, the point will be moot; the girl can have the lilac room, and we'll turn the blue room into an office/library/guestroom (which means my wife will FINALLY have to unpack the 20 boxes she just shoved in there and forgot about, and don't let her tell you she's looked through them, because she hasn't).

But what if it's a boy?  I really don't want to paint the guestroom.  It was hard enough the first time.  And I really don't think it's appropriate for a boy to have a lilac room.  I mean, sure, when he's little, fine.  But the moment his friends come over and see it, I guarantee you they'll deride him for the color of it.  Children can be mean and haven't yet learned tact.

The other problem with painting is that the wife can't be around the fumes, and I'll have to keep the door closed to keep the cats out of there.  If we paint after the kid is born but before it's old enough to look after itself, we'll still have to keep the doors closed to keep the cats out AND we'll have to keep an eye on the kid and make sure s/he doesn't sniff, spill, or sample the paint.  Or I'll have to do the painting by myself.  (We have no friends who live near enough to just pop over and help.)

It would take all of four hours to move everything from the blue room to the lilac room, even if the wife doesn't help.  It's not hard to box the books, move the shelves, put the books back up, unhook her computer, move her desk, re-hook everything up, and transfer the stuff from the office closet to the guestroom closet. 

I don't think I'm being unreasonable.  Am I?  Or am I on the right track here?

All her friends (and her mom, who adores purple in all its shades) think she's right.  So far I'm the only person who's on my side.

[Alice]

I'm assuming your wife's side is to just put the boy in the lilac room?

Moving all the furniture from one room into another seems ridiculous to me.  Why did it take you so long to paint it in the first place?  It should take about an hour to paint a normal sized room... seems you'd save time on the arguing and stress about your maybe-son's future friends if you just repainted it.

[sapphirehart]

You have two rooms.  One is lilac, one is blue.  Doesn't seem like a problem to me.  Just find out which sex the baby is and clean out the appropriate room.  No repainting necessary.

[Gamplayerx]

Move.

[ReBurn]

Do you own a shed?

[Listener]

I'm assuming your wife's side is to just put the boy in the lilac room?

Yes.  If it is a boy.  If it's a girl, none of this will matter.

Moving all the furniture from one room into another seems ridiculous to me.  Why did it take you so long to paint it in the first place?  It should take about an hour to paint a normal sized room... seems you'd save time on the arguing and stress about your maybe-son's future friends if you just repainted it.

It's not that it would take too long to paint... it's getting all the shit out of there and out of the way (and there's four pieces of furniture in there, all of which are pretty big).  I just hate painting.  Why did we spend money on repainting it when we moved in a year ago if we're just going to repaint again?  Seems silly.  Easier to just put the office in the purple room.

You have two rooms.  One is lilac, one is blue.  Doesn't seem like a problem to me.  Just find out which sex the baby is and clean out the appropriate room.  No repainting necessary.

Boy, sapph, if only my wife was that practical.  That is EXACTLY what I want to do.  She refuses.

Do you own a shed?

No, but we have a basement and half a garage.  Still, taking the wife out to the woodshed loses something if you're not bringing her across the yard to an actual outbuilding...

Oh, wait, that probably wasn't what you meant, was it.

No, we don't.

[ReBurn]

Oh, I was going to suggest putting the kid out there.

[Alice]

If your wife likes the blue in her office, let her stay in there.  You are the one that has a problem with the lilac in the boys room, not her - therefore - she shouldn't have to do something she doesn't want to just because you have gender stigma attached to color.

Move the furniture into the middle of the room, throw a tarp over it, paint walls, let dry, move furniture back.  Is all this furniture staying in there once it becomes your kids room?

[Listener]

If your wife likes the blue in her office, let her stay in there.  You are the one that has a problem with the lilac in the boys room, not here - therefore - she shouldn't have to do something she doesn't want to just because you have gender stigma attached to color.

Move the furniture into the middle of the room, throw a tarp over it, paint walls, let dry, move furniture back.  Is all this furniture staying in there once it becomes your kids room?

Probably not.

I don't think that I have gender stigma toward the color -- okay, maybe a little -- but I am concerned that boys whose parents raise them to be MANLYMEN might have difficulties with a boy who's got a purple room.  I just want to keep the little bugger happy.

I know that in the end I'll be the one doing all the work, and I've accepted that.  The underlying problem is that even if I volunteer to do it she'll put her foot down and not let me do it, citing the unnecessary cost of paint and paint supplies.

[Alice]

The underlying problem is that even if I volunteer to do it she'll put her foot down and not let me do it, citing the unnecessary cost of paint and paint supplies.

Well you won't need to buy painting supplies if you just painted a year ago.  And you can get one-coat paint from Wal-Mart extremely cheaply.

[Listener]

The underlying problem is that even if I volunteer to do it she'll put her foot down and not let me do it, citing the unnecessary cost of paint and paint supplies.

Well you won't need to buy painting supplies if you just painted a year ago.  And you can get one-coat paint from Wal-Mart extremely cheaply.

I think in the end I'm going to try and get her to agree to see what the baby is first, boy or girl, before we really have The Discussion about it.  Although I'm a bigger fan of older-brother-younger-sister, in the long run it might be easier if the first one is a girl.

[sapphirehart]

The underlying problem is that even if I volunteer to do it she'll put her foot down and not let me do it, citing the unnecessary cost of paint and paint supplies.

Well you won't need to buy painting supplies if you just painted a year ago.  And you can get one-coat paint from Wal-Mart extremely cheaply.

I think in the end I'm going to try and get her to agree to see what the baby is first, boy or girl, before we really have The Discussion about it.  Although I'm a bigger fan of older-brother-younger-sister, in the long run it might be easier if the first one is a girl.

Since this is your first child....I just want to make you aware that you don't get to pick the sex.  You get whatever you get and you can't exchange it once it's yours.

[ReBurn]

Painting really isn't that expensive.  Or hard.  I would do whatever the wife wants on this one.  After carrying that baby for 9 months she deserves it.

[Listener]

Painting really isn't that expensive.  Or hard.  I would do whatever the wife wants on this one.  After carrying that baby for 9 months she deserves it.

Every potential father has some sticking point.  This one's mine.  I've gone along with everything else so far.

Plus, I'm still in hell... she's supposed be in her 4th month now, which means she's supposed to be hitting the "honeymoon" period where everything is wonderful.  But she's still in First Trimester Sick All The Time mode... and I think she'll stay there until her subconscious lets up... which will never happen.

[ReBurn]

Painting really isn't that expensive.  Or hard.  I would do whatever the wife wants on this one.  After carrying that baby for 9 months she deserves it.

Every potential father has some sticking point.  This one's mine.  I've gone along with everything else so far.

Plus, I'm still in hell... she's supposed be in her 4th month now, which means she's supposed to be hitting the "honeymoon" period where everything is wonderful.  But she's still in First Trimester Sick All The Time mode... and I think she'll stay there until her subconscious lets up... which will never happen.

Well, I have three kids.  At no time during any of my wife's pregnancies did she ever reach the "honeymoon" period.  And in the last one she was sick the entire time.  In the first one she couldn't walk at all during the third trimester.  Trust me, the hell you're experiencing is nothing like what she's going through.

[Gamplayerx]

We we got to be kindergarten age, our parents let us pick what color to paint our rooms.  My brother picked purple.  He's decidedly ungay.

[sapphirehart]

We we got to be kindergarten age, our parents let us pick what color to paint our rooms.  My brother picked purple.  He's decidedly ungay.

My mom let my sister pick out the carpet for her bedroom when she was younger.  She was madly in love with Donnie Osmond at the time.  Her carpet was a very deep purple.  It was rather ugly.

[Jessie]

Painting really isn't that expensive.  Or hard.  I would do whatever the wife wants on this one.  After carrying that baby for 9 months she deserves it.

Every potential father has some sticking point.  This one's mine.  I've gone along with everything else so far.

Plus, I'm still in hell... she's supposed be in her 4th month now, which means she's supposed to be hitting the "honeymoon" period where everything is wonderful.  But she's still in First Trimester Sick All The Time mode... and I think she'll stay there until her subconscious lets up... which will never happen.

If you think you're in hell, imagine how your wife feels, having been sick for the last 16 or so weeks.  Just to put things in perspective.

Reburn is right.

Also, why not wait til there's something to argue about to argue?  Why spend the next however many weeks fighting over it when there's a 50/50 shot that it's totally unnecessary?

[Jessie]

This isn't really about paint, but I'd suggest taking a step away from What to Expect When You're Expecting.

Those books are a loose guide.  Every pregnancy is different.

I've been pregnant twice.  The first time, I was sick maybe 5 times the entire time.

The second time, I was sick no less than five times every single day.  I assure you, it wasn't in my mind. 

I'm going to be blunt here, because well, we're honest around here.  I hope you appreciate that.

You should consider not assuming that you're wife is faking or that it's in her head.  Being pregnant is HARD.  It is not fun, it doesn't feel good, it makes you fat and ugly and miserable. 

I would really suggest going out of your way to help her and make sacrifices.  She's making plenty of her own every day that she carries your child inside her.  Not to mention the weight gain she'll never lose and the stretch marks that will never fade and the boobs that will NEVER be back where they started.

I don't live in your house, and I don't know your wife, and I could be totally wrong, but from here, it seems like it might do you both good to lighten up on her a little.

I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings, it's not meant to.

[sapphirehart]

I think Jessie is pms-ing today.


/I keed, I keed!!!

[Jessie]

I think Jessie is pms-ing today.


/I keed, I keed!!!

I'm pregnant, remember?

[Listener]

Painting really isn't that expensive.  Or hard.  I would do whatever the wife wants on this one.  After carrying that baby for 9 months she deserves it.

Every potential father has some sticking point.  This one's mine.  I've gone along with everything else so far.

Plus, I'm still in hell... she's supposed be in her 4th month now, which means she's supposed to be hitting the "honeymoon" period where everything is wonderful.  But she's still in First Trimester Sick All The Time mode... and I think she'll stay there until her subconscious lets up... which will never happen.

Well, I have three kids.  At no time during any of my wife's pregnancies did she ever reach the "honeymoon" period.  And in the last one she was sick the entire time.  In the first one she couldn't walk at all during the third trimester.  Trust me, the hell you're experiencing is nothing like what she's going through.

I just wrote a HUGE blog post about this phenomenon (it'll hit my site tomorrow).  So I'm going to withhold commentary until then, except for this:  obviously, every pregnancy is different.  If our next kid is like your first or third (the pregnancy, that is), I'll understand, but for now, this is my only frame of reference.

The rest of what I want to say would just be repeating the post, so I'm going to save it.  Suffice it to say it's going to make a lot of people think that I'm the biggest asshole on the planet.  (At least, for those people who don't already think so.   )

This isn't really about paint, but I'd suggest taking a step away from What to Expect When You're Expecting.

Those books are a loose guide.  Every pregnancy is different.

I've been pregnant twice.  The first time, I was sick maybe 5 times the entire time.

The second time, I was sick no less than five times every single day.  I assure you, it wasn't in my mind. 

I'm going to be blunt here, because well, we're honest around here.  I hope you appreciate that.

You should consider not assuming that you're wife is faking or that it's in her head.  Being pregnant is HARD.  It is not fun, it doesn't feel good, it makes you fat and ugly and miserable. 

I would really suggest going out of your way to help her and make sacrifices.  She's making plenty of her own every day that she carries your child inside her.  Not to mention the weight gain she'll never lose and the stretch marks that will never fade and the boobs that will NEVER be back where they started.

I don't live in your house, and I don't know your wife, and I could be totally wrong, but from here, it seems like it might do you both good to lighten up on her a little.

I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings, it's not meant to.

Never read the book.  And believe me, it takes a lot more than this to hurt my feelings.

I think some of it is that SHE lives by that book, or other books like it. 

A lot of my problems with this whole situation stem from the fact that while the woman is obviously going through a lot more than the man is, there's no safe place for men to share their feelings without being made to think that they're being insensitive.  It's like we have to sublimate them from the day the pregnancy officially starts ("the stick's pink") to the day the kid starts school.

[sapphirehart]

I think Jessie is pms-ing today.


/I keed, I keed!!!

I'm pregnant, remember?

Did you ever find out who the father was?

[Jessie]

I think Jessie is pms-ing today.


/I keed, I keed!!!

I'm pregnant, remember?

Did you ever find out who the father was?

I've got it narrowed down to like 5.

[sapphirehart]

I think Jessie is pms-ing today.


/I keed, I keed!!!

I'm pregnant, remember?

Did you ever find out who the father was?

I've got it narrowed down to like 5.

Am I on the short list?