little known secrets of chefs

[nishi]

so. i am nearing the end of a day of cooking for a big dinner party. every year, for christmas, i give my mom a 'gift certificate' for a dinner party for her and what has basically turned out to be 20 of her closest friends. this is the 7th year of The Party.

this year, because she just did a lot of work on her house which is finished, and because i'm still in the middle of a lot of work on my house which is not, The Party is at her house, although i'm still cooking. however, i hate her kitchen (all electric, and i don't know where anything is, there's a giant aquarium on the kitchen counter right where i'd do prep work, etc.) so i'm cooking here and we're taking the food a half block to her house. i'm currently waiting on the pickup of the appetizers....

(the appetizer pickup just happened, so now i can go on with my story...)

so. the giant platters of veggies with homemade garlic mayonnaise are ready to go. the mushrooms swimming in garlic butter (yes, a theme) are warm and waiting. the brie wrapped in puff pastry is ready to go into the oven at her house - little puff pastry daffodils on the top of each small wheel of brie. yeah, i'm a food geek. shoot me.

the big disappointment is that my family ignored my request to wait until the really good seafood market was open at 11 to buy the salmon, so we now have about $80 of really mediocre salmon. muh.

however, while waiting for all that to be picked up, while roasting chickens and drinking in anticipation of being with my family YET AGAIN, i realized i was starving. so, i snagged a boiled new potato off the veggie tray along with the garlic mayonnaise. i dunked the *entire* potato into the mayonnaise, and halfway to my mouth, dropped it right back *into* the mayonnaise, causing displaced mayonnaise to fly back up out of the container and across my face. and no, no one really needs to tell me what i'm sure *that* looked like.

so then i snagged it back out of the mayonnaise and threw it into my mouth since i was expecting folks at any second to pick all the food up, and then the potato was really slightly too large for one bite, so then i have this enormous and i'm sure quite disgusting mouthful of potato and mayonnaise, but i'm really hungry so i don't care so much about that, but when i grab a towel to wipe the mayonnaise off my face my mouth is actually too full to entirely close without practically choking myself which of course makes me start laughing. even more disgusting.

thank god i did not get anything on my clothes.

anyway. all this was frighteningly familiar, since that was exactly the kind of thing that happened all the time when i used to work as a chef. only then it wasn't always as funny. and i didn't have you to tell about it.....

[sapphirehart]

forgive me BUT....I can't get the picture of a money shot out of my mind.

sorry!

[nishi]

no, no. no apologies necessary. i'm quite positive that that is exactly what it looked like.

what was kind of funny was that that didn't really change my point of view regarding the potato.

[eo000]

hahahahahahha.

[Beefy]

i have never dipped a potato into mayonaisse.  hmmm.

[ReBurn]

I have never dipped anything into mayonnaise.  I must not be well-cultured.

[nishi]

when you both come to my house in june, i will make you a giant bowl of homemade garlic mayonnaise - a concoction that has very very little in common with the stuff in the jar at the store.

although i also like the stuff at the store.

[Gamplayerx]

What?  No pictures???

[nishi]

my brother was in charge of the camera. which means we'll have a bunch of pictures of people with their mouths full of food.....

[DownSouth]

If I make it up there in june you have to play out this story.

[nishi]

ok, ok. i promise that not ONLY will i make a batch of homemade garlic mayonnaise, i will drop a boiled new potato directly into it, hopefully splattering my face with displaced mayonnaise BECAUSE THAT IS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU PEOPLE.

i love you a garlic mayonnaise money-shot's worth.

[DownSouth]

With this medicine you maybe in for a challenge.  I'm felling like a drive.

[Jessie]

i love you a garlic mayonnaise money-shot's worth.

That line just made my day.

[nishi]

i love you a garlic mayonnaise money-shot's worth.

That line just made my day.

and it's especially true for you. i was thinking about you this evening, when i was washing the other side of my garage..... you know. while all that soapy water was running down my arm, inside my clothes.

that will only *really* make sense to you.

(everything needs another coat. if it's going to be painted, we might as well do it right....)

[Jessie]

i love you a garlic mayonnaise money-shot's worth.

That line just made my day.

and it's especially true for you. i was thinking about you this evening, when i was washing the other side of my garage..... you know. while all that soapy water was running down my arm, inside my clothes.

that will only *really* make sense to you.

(everything needs another coat. if it's going to be painted, we might as well do it right....)

Ahh, the feeling of scummy water running into your armpit, there's nothing quite like it.

You know I'll help you out if I can, just let me know when.

I love my new title by the way.  I'm not sure if I have you to thank for it, but it made me guffaw.

[ReBurn]

*whistles*