Jack Handy

[Gamplayerx]

Do we have a Jack Handy thread?  If not, we should.

I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale.  They look and look, but you know what?  They never find him.  And you know why they never find him?  It doesn't say.  The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide.  Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.

[Gamplayerx]

If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have "under" in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness. 

[Gamplayerx]

Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!

[ignom]

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

[Gamplayerx]

I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick.  Then I'd go out west and start digging for gold.  When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool."  He'd say, "Your pick is gold."  And I'd say, "well, that was easy."  Good joke, huh? 

[ignom]

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have

[ignom]

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

[Gamplayerx]

You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to.  But I'm telling you, I will bark at any sound I hear and it will drive you crazy.

[Gamplayerx]

The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?!" 

[ignom]

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

[Gamplayerx]

What am I afraid of?  I'll tell you: a feather.  That's right, a feather.  How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say.  That's an honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest answer.  First of all, did I say it was a poison feather? 

[Gamplayerx]

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit.  Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight.

[Gamplayerx]

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

[ignom]

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

[ignom]

When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.

[ignom]

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.

[Gamplayerx]

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

[ursus]

I'm vine man, I'm vine man!

[Grumpus]

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with a whore he picked up in town.